can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Randomize
