Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
