I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
