Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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