you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My penis needs a shock collar
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
