I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
