2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
