then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
wakey wakey hands off snakey
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
