I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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