I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
