dude i'm inner monologue high
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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