I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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