it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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