you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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