This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
