I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
