Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
