i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
