A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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