i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
