i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize