i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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