Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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