I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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