i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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