you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
