The best revenge is premature balding
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize