i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
