I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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