GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
