the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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