I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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