Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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