I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
