My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
ttyl tear gas
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
