Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Drake has all the answers
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
