I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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