Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
