omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
