i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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