There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
