Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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