That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I have aggressive nipples.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
