My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
