i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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