Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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