On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
