do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
