I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
