youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
