Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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