I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
