I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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