the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
