i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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