At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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