Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
