Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
