Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
